Author's name :: YetAnotherBrony
Links :: Chapter one
Chapter two
Chapter three
Chapter four
Genre :: Sad, Slice of Life
Critique requested :: Opinion on likelihood of getting to EQD; Basic
spelling, punctuation and format run through; Grammar and internal
consistency/consistency with the show; Style, characterisation, themes and
plot (not that kind)
Anything Else :: I have one strike on EQD already. Mind you there were only
two chapters at the time so any comments are only about those two. Also I
have tried to resolve all the following issues, but still I think you
should be aware of what the pre-reader said.
Pre-reader comments start... now!
will bare witness // Homophone confusion. You do this a few times.
You’ve an issue with unwieldy adjectives and modifiers in general.
Dialogue tagging mistakes. They’re sparse, but pay a keen eye to this.
Avoid parenthesis. Go with commas or em dashes for appositive structuring.
As a rule of thumb, spell out numbers.
Don’t forget to capitalize titles when replacing a name.
Commas before the name in direct address, always.
Sequence with Discord is so rushed as to detract from the tale and break
reader immersion.
Luna not coming up with anything but ‘drill baby drill’ comes off a bit
droll. Spice it up some; have her show some creativity.
The final battle before banishment feels more than a bit rushed.
In all, grammatical issues aside, what this comes down to is not the Luna
you choose to portray, but the competence and consistency in which you do
so. Shore this up, get some reviews, make sure you’ve got things smooth.
This is strike one of three, revise wisely.
Notes :: Anyone else amused by the pre-reader's unintentional pun?
No? Just me?
Ok.
Good job posting this. That said, can haz review(s) plz? Whenever you guys get a free moment. I know the school year can be a busy time. However I'm a little surprised with 40+ members I haven't heard anything. Maybe not all of them are contributers? idk.
ReplyDeleteAs far as I'm aware, there's around four active members of SALT at the moment, so... yeah. Forty is a lie. It was pretty much the same during the summer break, so I can't even claim your helpfully given reason as an excuse.
DeleteI'll try and get round to it tonight if I can tear myself away from World of Goo for long enough. From what I can remember of my pre-post scan, there was a fair number of passages with a deeply stilted structure that'd take a lot of effort and skill to explain. I'm not suggesting that's the reason why you've had no response, but it might be.
Regardless, I'll get it out soon and I apologise for the wait.
Like Aquillo said, there's maybe four consistently-active members. I myself am one of the inactive members, but lately I've been making an effort to help. Being in the middle of moving doesn't help with that too much, especially since I use a (currently out of operation) desktop computer.
DeleteRest assured, Adam, you're work will not be left without critique for long.