Author's name :: Burraku_Pansa
The Link :: Chapter One
Genre :: Tragedy, Romance
Critique requested :: Grammar and internal consistency/consistency with
the show; Style, characterisation, themes and plot (not that kind)
Anything Else :: Other than a basic looking-over-and-telling-me-what-you-think, I could really use another set of eyes for the tense. It's a first-person story told as though the character is recalling memories, and should be consistent with that, but I find myself getting muddled with all of the "had"s and whatnot. Any other problems you find, feel free to point them out, of course.
My questions were:
ReplyDelete1) How could as savvy a businesspony as Rarity not get any contact info for these clients if they're placing such a large order, and 2) How could the doctor say he didn't know how to contact her friends or family when he calls her by name?
Let me suggest that the couple do leave contact info as well as a large envelope that they assure her has all the information she'll need to make the outfits. But when she gets around to opening the envelope, it's missing several vital pages, and when she sends a letter to let the clients know, she gets no answer. The clients are really fancy ponies from Trottingham or somewhere, too, so Rarity wants to make a good impression, and as the day of the event gets closer and closer with all of Rarity's letters going unanswered, she finally decides she needs to go to Trottingham herself.
That's when Sweetie gives her the message about Derpy's wedding, and that gets Rarity so rattled that when she rushes out to Trottingham, she manages to leave her purse behind. She doesn't discover this till she arrives in the other town, though, so she doesn't have money for a hotel room, and she's so frazzled, her clients' secretary won't let her in to see them. She storms out into the street--and has her heart attack there where nopony knows her.
Just a thought. :)
Mike
That's more than just a thought, man... You're talking about an almost total rewrite to cover a single plothole and a plot point you didn't like.
DeleteI mean, I'll take what you've said into consideration, of course, and I was already going to be rewriting a good portion of it, but that's far too excessive.
You're right, and I apologize:
DeleteI get carried away sometimes, and when I have questions about a story, I'll often try to come up with possible answers.
Mike Again