I've read most of the first chapter (I'll do a larger review later) and I found the following problems.
1. Too much dialogue not enough action. Your characters talk endlessly without motion. Make your characters do something in between bouts of dialogue, it will not only make the story intresting but will give life to them and give a better view of their emotions as they speak.
2. You might want to look up some grammar/punctuation rules here and there.
3. Lack of world building. I had a hard time imagining the scenes and where they took place. You might want to build up your locations a little, saying that X and Y are at the park is fine. But I, as the reader, want to know more about that park...
I'm yet to read your fic, myboyj, but RavensDagger's suggestions sounded good. The creation of the world surrounding is absolutely essential for the reader to become engrossed in the text and world in which the story takes place. If you can create an interesting world for the reader, they will come back to read more.
I've read most of the first chapter (I'll do a larger review later) and I found the following problems.
ReplyDelete1. Too much dialogue not enough action. Your characters talk endlessly without motion. Make your characters do something in between bouts of dialogue, it will not only make the story intresting but will give life to them and give a better view of their emotions as they speak.
2. You might want to look up some grammar/punctuation rules here and there.
3. Lack of world building. I had a hard time imagining the scenes and where they took place. You might want to build up your locations a little, saying that X and Y are at the park is fine. But I, as the reader, want to know more about that park...
I'm yet to read your fic, myboyj, but RavensDagger's suggestions sounded good. The creation of the world surrounding is absolutely essential for the reader to become engrossed in the text and world in which the story takes place. If you can create an interesting world for the reader, they will come back to read more.
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