Title: The Musings of a Bar Pianist
Description: There is a bar in Ponyville run by Berry Punch that the locals love to go to. Some come to hang out while others come to forget their sorrows. There is a small flat-top piano in the corner of the bar. Every night at nine, a pony sits at that piano and plays until the bar closes. These are the audio logs of that pony, Staccato Diva.
The pre-readers destroyed it because of story flaws and grammatically issues... I dunno. It seemed to me like the pre-reader just hated the style I chose.
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Pre-reader response!
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Greetings from Equestria Daily! I'm Pre-reader X, and I cannot recommend your story for posting.
Look for errors in these areas:
Hyphen use
Semicolon use
Inconsistent indentation
Use of quotes
Ellipses use
I would also recommend removing the youtube link, as many readers (including myself when reading casually) ignore them. It's considered a cheap way, at best, of setting the mood. Your writing should do that.
Speaking of setting, I was disappointed with the choice of style on this. It's an experiment, yes, but it doesn't play very well. It's not so much a story as a monologue, but not even monologues take place in an empty void. If more was done to play up the scene being from the recorder's perspective, I think this story could be very interesting; I've never seen a story try to narrate solely through the sense of hearing. However, as currently written, it doesn't feel like a story at all. As a matter of fact, I question why we're hearing all these things after the fact. If I were writing this story, I would skip all the superfluous bits and simply get to the interesting part of the story: the party and then his attempts to make amends. Right now, there's so much filler and rambling that it's easy to miss the emotional stake the character has in his particular problem.
However, I commend you for trying this. Good luck in revision, and use your remaining two tries wisely
I am sorry that I haven't jumped onto this one yet.
ReplyDeleteAnd no, I don't think that the Pre-reader was being mean, they are like that.
Gimme a mintue, I'll try to help a bit.
Thanks for the review! :)
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