Deus Ex: Equine Revolution
Synopsis: Truth is the first casualty of war.
The world is in flux; new ideals, groups and technologies permeate every level of society in this age of discovery. The field of augmentation has allowed ponies to improve themselves in ways that were unthinkable a generation ago. Yet, for every benefit, there is an inverse. A griffon civil war rages on the borders, feeding the profits of mercenary companies. Rising populations have forced the rich and poor ever further apart. Harmony is dying.
Mortally wounded after a fatal attack on her laboratory, an earth pony researcher is augmented against her will and sent out into a chaotic world in search of answers. But what she finds may uncover an ancient conspiracy, that will shake Equestria to its very core.
Shouldn't the title be Deus Ex Equestia? Or God of the equine?
ReplyDeleteThe games title is God of the machine (or machines) Human revolution...
No, the game's name is Deus Ex: Human Revolution, so I just took the ponified version of that.
DeleteI don't give this a week before its on EqD.
ReplyDeleteWell, I just sent it off quarter of an hour ago. We'll see! Thanks for the support! =)
DeleteRight, this is the response I got from the pre-readers. Is it possible you could just sweep through and check I've complied with all the recommendations? Particularly the said-bookisms.
Delete*Semi-colon use
'The world is as it always has been; a study in friendship.'
Here, the semi colon is not being used as a super comma, so the clause to the right of it should be complete. You appear to have wanted a colon here instead. This happens very, very frequently throughout the story.
*Missing words or odd word choices
'When it is finally reached, the barriers between organic and magical will be erased forever.'
Here, 'organic' and 'magical' are both adjectives modifying... something. However, that something is missing. If you intend to keep it missing, replacing them with noun-forms would make more sense.
*Spelling errors
'wonderous'
Should be 'wondrous'
*Dash usage
'For the ones left behind - well, perhaps it was better not to dwell on that.'
Two separate points on this subject: first (and unrelated to this example) you tend to use en dashes where you'd actually need em dashes. Second, here, I'd personally use narrative ellipses, since this is a pause, rather than an interruption in thought (which would call for an em dash)
*Punctuation for attribution tags
' You know that.” Fillydelphia said. '
Should be a comma before the closing quotation mark. This is a recurring problem with your dialogue, and thus far the most noticeable of the things I've built in this list. A related example is the opposite:
'ticket to, ” Pulse Width’s eyes went even wider-
Based on the context of the next line of dialogue (not pasted here), this should be a hard stop instead of a comma, and another hard stop instead of the dash.
*Conjugation issues
'and we’re sat here, doing nothing about it!”'
There are more fitting choices available: "we've sat" or "we sit" or "we're sitting"
*Said-bookisms
' Manehatten opined. '
Unnecessary attribution verbs almost always serve purely as a distraction, rather than augmenting the dialogue they're attached to. While an occasional one can help clarify the tone of voice using for the character's speech, steer clear of ones that really don't do anything to help. Your dialogue is strong enough to use "said" in almost all cases--don't try to dress up the verb here. Related to this are attribution adverbs. Same basic idea--use them sparingly, and only when the tone of voice isn't already conveyed in the dialogue or the surrounding context. To do otherwise is to distract us at best, and at worst, give us the impression that you don't feel the writing is solid enough to understand on its own merits.
*Logical discrepencies
' It has been twenty years since the return of Princess Luna '
yet
' And fifteen years ago a certain purple unicorn came to town claiming the Mare in the Moon was about to escape'
*Non-pony terms in dialogue
' “So you have a miracle on your hands'
Tossup. It's annoying having to substitute in pony terms for common expressions, as it draws undue emphasis to something and ultimately makes it bump the reader's attention, but consider it a limitation of our fandom.
*Capitalization consistency
(instances of 'Neuromancer')
Whichever you choose to go with, just be sure to be consistent with it. There are instances of it in both capitalized or lowercase forms when not used as a title.
Aaaaannnnd that's it. Some of these are more recurring than others--the semi-colons and dialogue punctuation spring to mind. The former, you can do a find-and-replace to verify whether you've got two independent clauses on either side (I didn't spot any super-comma necessity), the other is a bit trickier and you might benefit from tagging one of your prereaders to help you out on that one.
This has piqued my interest... I will edit it tonight. If nobody else is.
ReplyDeleteGo ahead mate! I did a quick read of the first chapter, but haven't touched the rest yet! I'd encourage you to read it anyway, I am certain that quite a few mistakes made it past me!
Deletealright sweet. Ima do a full edit of it.
Deletemelon hunter, I will edit this and it will be awesome. and I will email it to you
Sure! Me and B_P did a pretty extensive run-through last night, and I've since sent it back to the pre-readers, but all help is appreciated, as I'm sure we didn't catch every last mistake.
DeleteBen, it sounds like you're going to be editing it without using GDocs... Like, are you still going to be doing it through file comments?
DeleteIf you want to give me access to the gdoc I can do it through there, but for now it is read only
DeleteAh, I was unaware. My main point was just that I hope you edit through comments in whatever program you use.
DeleteDoes anyone know when it's socially acceptable to nudge Seth to see whether the pre-readers have gone through the fic yet? Currently it's been 36 hours since it was sent to the pre-readers, but I really don't know whether that's a long time in the land of Equestria Daily or not.
ReplyDeleteWait until it reaches the 48 hour mark, then politely ask them if they received it.
DeleteTwo days seems about right.
DeleteOK, it's in the post queue! Some time tomorrow, apparently.
ReplyDeleteaha nice! congrats!
DeleteHaha! I get to one up our stats!!!!
Delete...
Also, good job mate!
Happy to hear it!
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteYes! Just saw its post on EqD! Time to update the counter, Raven.
ReplyDeleteJust did! Thanks for the reminder!
Delete